Do I sound morose for bringing out his topic? I think I do. But it’s not really as morose as you might think. I just want to have a healthy discussion about this morbid word. Hubby talks about this like a normal thing. Well, Death, like Birth is of course a natural thing but it just doesn't seem "natural" for me.
My father passed away 11 years ago already. It’s been 11 long years but I still miss him so much and I’ve been dreaming of him lately. He died barely a month after my sister’s son died. That was the most excruciating time I ever had in my whole life. I had a lot of heartbreaking moments before but when he died, the feeling was indefinable; it was like part of my life had gone too.
I remember when my son was still a child; he told me that he doesn’t know what to do when I get old. I told him that when that time comes he will be a grown up man already and that he can stand by himself without me. I bet he meant he was scared if I die. I understand his feelings because it was only me who was taking care of him and his big sister that time.
Now that I have a complete and happy family, I started to have that same feeling. I am very scared to live without my husband. What will happen to me and to my kids if he’ll be gone? Hubby often times mention about what I am going to do when he is gone. He wants to be cremated. Most of the times he makes it appear like "just being silly". The first thing for me before I blubber out loud, according to him, is to go to the bank right away to get any cash that we have. He said there is a chance that the bank will freeze his account, something like that, which I don’t care and I don’t believe. Here’s another thing, he told me many times about his paid funeral. He said I don’t have to pay nothing when he die while telling me the 1-800 numbers to be contacted and say, “Hey, he is dead, come on, get his dead body now”. He may sound silly but I know that he is conveying a message. I always don’t take this kind of discussion seriously. But little did he know that it is really hurting inside every time he jokes about it. I know that he wants me to be ready but I just don’t ever want to talk about it with him, period.
When I shared this to my Filipina friends here, they don’t like the idea of discussing it too, I guess like me, they are not ready to face the same.
How about you? What is your take about death? Are you also scared to be left by your loved ones?